remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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