having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
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I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
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oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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