y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
