Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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