tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
