WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.