Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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