At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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