You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I puked a lego.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
