So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can you bring me the toilet please
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
