Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
