the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
