also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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