I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
