Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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