Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
