I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
