I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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