$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
