Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
