the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
