The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
