So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
