you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
we should paint friendship bongs
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