So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.