She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
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Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.