Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.