i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend