ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
