News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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