Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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