Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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