I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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