Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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