i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
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Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
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You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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