Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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