he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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