Whod you bang
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
