My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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