I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
