about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
