I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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