I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
