Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
