i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
