my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need water and some morals
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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