I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
