The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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