i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
