Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
