I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
