Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Vodka?
Forever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
