So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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