I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
