Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
