I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
