my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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